Monday, May 22, 2006

Sprechen Sie Englisch

So here I am. I've been in Germany for about 12 hours. So far I've done nothing but make an ass of myself, and take a few pictures. I've been to one beer garden, one Irish pub and one English pub. The Irish pub seemed to be the most authentic of the three and that isn't saying much. I swear I went into each of them hoping to get food. The problem is that most of them seem bound and determined to serve beer with their food. I've recently come to the realization that my body does not deal well with alcohol in the beer format. It usually gives me a horrible hangover and horrific flatus. I'm praying for just the hangover, but I suspect that the flatus is soon to come. Here is a link to some pictures I took on the way to the hotel from the airport. There's nothing impressive about any of them other than the fact that they were taken in Germany.

I've been a horrible tourist. I've made no attempt to learn the language other than the phrase "Sprechen Sie English?". I've made it my goal to survive on that phrase alone. How's that for the ugly American? Hey you sons of bitches, if you don't learn my language, you won't get my American dollars. I went to an ATM and got some euros. I accidentally fucked up and tipped the bellman in dollars. He gave me a funny look. For a second, I couldn't figure out why. "What, ain't my money good here?"

Here are the things I've learned so far:

1. Don't make your first meal in Germany Sauerbratten, it will go right through you. You will be crapping purple cabbage and dumplings the minute you can find a seat.
2. Everybody speaks a little English. If they don't, then just shout at them. This will anger them so much that they will find someone that does.
3. It is possible for German person to speak English with an Irish accent.
4. You can only watch free German porn on the hotel tv for about 10 minutes before they turn it off. Hey it's free porn, you don't change the channel.
5. The German Countryside looks like Missouri.
6. Germans don't use sheets, just blankets.

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