Tuesday, August 30, 2005


It's very surprising and a little sad to watch all of the coverage of the hurricane that's hit New Orleans. I was there just a few months ago and now the whole area is covered in water. As I look at some of the new coverage, I can see many of the place I walked through jus a few months ago. I wonder how things will be changed by the flooding. The official drink of the city is the hurricane, so I'm sure they've seen this before, but I don't think its ever been this bad. I've been told that the water that's flooding the French quarter is contaminated by sewage. I guess that means that the area will have an excuse to smell as bad as it does.

People have gone so far as to compare this to the tsunami disaster of late last year, but I doubt that the death toll will reach the 220,000 mark that I've found quoted for the tsunami.

If a friend of mine's theory holds, then you should expect some sort of natural disaster to hit Las Vegas in a few months. He claims that disaster follows us at about a four month remove. We were in New Orleans a few months back and now it's under water. We will be in Vegas this weekend, so you should expect it to be covered in locusts or hit by a meteorite around Christmas.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Can you make me laugh? No, but my farts smell like death and cheese.....

(For those of you who don't know me, you might think that I'm serious when I'm writing this. In some ways I am, but please realize that there's a little sarcasm here.)

I've made no secret of the fact that I've been looking around a few of the online singles sites. I've managed to get a couple of dates from these. Some of the dates have gone better than others, but all in all it has been a positive experience. One thing I've noticed is that there are a few patterns that I am seeing in the ads on these sites. Most of these can be spotted by looking for a key phrase or question. Here are a few of my favorites:

  • Are you the one? As soon as I see a profile like this I usually run away as fast as I can. Are you the one? This is such a patheticaly timid thing to say. Nothing says I'm a victim and I'm looking for the next guy to take advantage of me, "Are you the one?".

  • Are you man enough? To me this sounds more like she's asking, "Are you man enough to put up with all of my shit?" or "Are you man enough to clean up the mess that my life has become?" In either case I plead Nancy boy and run away.

  • Can you make me laugh? This one is slightly less annoying than the first two but I still find it annoying. At least give me something to work with. What makes you laugh? Limericks? Pratfalls? Give me something to work with. Whenever I see a profile like this I want to write back and say, "I may not be able to make you laugh, but I can probably make you cry. By the way, your butt is huge and you and can't spell. Are you laughing now? I know I am. I'm laughing my ass off at you." Does this make me a bad person?

  • Are you my prince? / Are you my knight in shining armor? / Are you Mr. Right? Do you really want to be saved? Does this approach actually work? To me, this is just another way of saying, "Are you man enough?" Once again, I'm a Nancy boy.

  • You must love me and my daughter/son. Way to set expectations really high. I don't even know if I like her yet, now I have to like her offspring as well. Isn't it assumed that if you have a child that someone you are dating has to at least be nice to your child?

  • Where are you? / Are you out there? / Still waiting. / I'm still here. This is as if she's saying, "Why the hell haven't you called me?" Is there something wrong with me? Do these pants make my butt look big?

  • Friends first Yes, I know, you aren't a slut, but I am, so you probably aren't my type.

  • Do you know how to treat a lady? This is more or less asking, "Are you an asshole?" When you put it that way, the answer is probably yes. I can be an asshole. Now shut up and make my dinner. Tell that little brat of yours to get me a beer.

  • Pictures of the pet This is another wonderfully annoying thing that seems to pop up in profiles quite often. When I see a pet's picture in a profile, I'm thinking, "When the ice age comes and there is a food shortage, I'm eating the Doberman first and then I'll eat the kittens. That way I don't have to fight the Doberman for food." Yeah, I know that I will have to get along with her pets as much as her kids, but let's work up to that.

  • Hidden treasure. If you'll only look past the self esteem and hygiene issues you will surely find he hidden treasure.

Can you tell I've been spending too much time looking at these profiles? Sadly, most of them are people I have very little interest in meeting. I'm sure that my profiles on these sites is just as pathetic as the next one, but it makes me feel better if I can make fun of other people.

On a completely unrelated note, for the last week, I've had the worst flatulence I've ever had in my life. For those of you who know me well, you know that's saying something. It got so bad that I googled for the terms "extreme flatulence" trying to figure out if I need to see an ass doctor. According the font of all knowledge (the internet) the normal cause of flatulence is diet. The most common dietary causes of flatulence are, milk products, high fiber foods, beans, carbonated beverages, cabbage and foods made with fructose. I guess that means that my horrific and frequent farts can be explained by my diet consisting of granola and milk for breakfast (the granola is made with fructose) Chipotle for lunch and or dinner and about 6 - 8 cans of diet soda a day. I'm not sure if I should change my diet or my definition of the acceptable amount of gas one person has.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Monday, August 22, 2005


Have you ever read or saw something that left you so incensed that you couldn’t think straight.  That happened today.  Don't ask me why, but Country Music Television was on when I got home. I think Nicole was watching it. As I sat there, I watched a video.  While watching the video, both of my eyes exploded. I couldn't believe what I was watching and hearing. I'm going to reproduce the lyrics here of a Trace Adkins song called Arlington.

I never thought that this is where I'd settle down.
I thought I'd die an old man back in my hometown.
They gave me this plot of land,
Me and some other men, for a job well done.

There's a big White House sits on a hill just up the road.
The man inside, he cried the day they brought me home.
They folded up a flag and told my Mom and Dad:
"We're proud of your son."

And I'm proud to be on this peaceful piece of property.
I'm on sacred ground and I'm in the best of company.
I'm thankful for those thankful for the things I've done.
I can rest in peace;
I'm one of the chosen ones:
I made it to Arlington.

I remember Daddy brought me here when I was eight.
We searched all day to find out where my grand-dad lay.
And when we finally found that cross,
He said: "Son, this is what it cost to keep us free."

Now here I am, a thousand stones away from him.
He recognized me on the first day I came in.
And it gave me a chill when he clicked his heels,
And saluted me.

And I'm proud to be on this peaceful piece of property.
I'm on sacred ground and I'm in the best of company.
I'm thankful for those thankful for the things I've done.
I can rest in peace;
I'm one of the chosen ones:
I made it to Arlington.

And everytime I hear twenty-one guns,
I know they brought another hero home to us.

And I'm proud to be on this peaceful piece of property.
I'm on sacred ground and I'm in the best of company.
We're thankful for those thankful for the things we've done.
We can rest in peace;
'Cause we are the chosen ones:
We made it to Arlington.

Yeah, dust to dust,
Don't cry for us:
We made it to Arlington.

Am I the only one to get the heebie jeebies from that?  Who does this guy think he is?  Who does he think he’s speaking for?  Those are the first things that went through my head when I saw this video.  Next I started to think, well is this any different from any other song written in this way?  It got me thinking of a song I listen to every once in a while by Tom Waits called Day After Tomorrow.

I got your letter today
And I miss you all so much, here
I can't wait to see you all
And I'm counting the days, dear
I still believe that there's gold
At the end of the world
And I'll come home
To Illinois
On the day after tomorrow

It is so hard
And it's cold here
And I'm tired of taking orders
And I miss old Rockford town
Up by the Wisconsin border
But I miss you won't believe
Shoveling snow and raking leaves
And my plane will touch tomorrow
On the day after tomorrow

I close my eyes
Every night
And I dream that I can hold you
They fill us full of lies
Everyone buys
About what it means to be a soldier
I still don't know how I'm supposed to feel
About all the blood that's been spilled
Look out on the street
Get me back home
On the day after tomorrow

You can't deny
The other side
Don't want to die
Any more than we do
What I'm trying to say,
Is don't they pray
To the same God that we do?
Tell me, how does God choose?
Whose prayers does he refuse?
Who turns the wheel?
And who throws the dice
On the day after tomorrow?

I'm not fighting
For justice
I am not fighting
For freedom
I am fighting
For my life
And another day
In the world here
I just do what I've been told
You're just the gravel on the road
And the one's that are lucky
One's come home
On the day after tomorrow

And the summer
It too will fade
And with it comes the winter's frost, dear
And I know we too are made
Of all the things that we have lost here
I'll be twenty-one today
I've been saving all my pay
And my plane will touch down
On the day after tomorrow
And my plane it will touch down
On the day after tomorrow

The first of these two songs gives me chills in a bad way and I find myself angry when I listen to it.  The second of these two songs gives me chills in a good way and I find myself touched by it.  Are they really that different?  They are both written from a soldier’s viewpoint.  Neither one of these songs makes any direct statement about the current war, or any war for that matter.  I guess there’s one line of the first song that really ruins it for me.  When he sings, “There's a big White House sits on a hill just up the road.  The man inside, he cried the day they brought me home.”, I’m assuming that he’s making reference to the President.  I guess what I have the most problem with is not that Mr. Adkins has attributed a sense of pride to some hypothetical dead soldier.  That I can live with and can to some extent understand and find plausible.  The thing that most irks me is that he’s attributing an emotion to the president that I don’t know if he’s capable of.  I guess I never really picture our current president crying over anything.  Maybe if somebody punched him in the groin he might cry, but I don’t see him crying over much else.  That little bit of flag waving turns me off to the whole song.  Maybe that’s not the only part that turns me off, but that’s the bit that made me go from indifferent to angry.  

Am I way off base here?  Have I missed something?  Am I overreacting?  Am I letting my loathing of country music ruin what I’d consider a good song if it weren’t showing up on country music television?

Thursday, August 11, 2005


Is there a name for a word who's meaning and what you think it ought to mean are completely at odds?