Saturday, October 23, 2004

Fuck You. Go away

"Fuck You. Go away.", those are the last words you expect to hear at the drivethrough of McDonalds. Surprisingly that's exactly what I heard last night after ordering the bladder buster size Diet Coke from the golden arches. I and the other person in the car immediately said, "What", and busted out laughing. Just then another voice says, "Watch out, your mic's on!". She then said, "I'm sorry, he's an idiot. What was your order again?" I've never laughed so hard in my life.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Giggling all the way to doomsday

I just watched the new "A Perfect Circle" video for Imagine, their remake of John Lennon's song. It's quite a powerful video. It was accompanied by an introduction by Maynard. It's quite a powerful video, made almost entirely of stock video footage that's been aired on network television. Most of the footage is the juxtaposition of "Patriotic" images from the war with the sometimes grim and gruesome results of the fighting. I think the video and Maynard's commentary speak for themselves. In his commentary he calls himself an optimistic pessimist, and describes himself as "Giggling all the way to doomsday". I find that to be such an interesting and insightful turn of phrase.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Butt Piss and Nascar

I was sitting at a restaurant today with some cow-orkers of mine. We were speaking about eating establishments that have gone down hill in our lifetime. Right at the top of the list of the guy sitting next to me was Pizza Hut. He said, "Man I used to love Pizza Hut, but now whenever I eat there I spend a week with Butt Piss". I seriously think that I went blind for a few seconds. What an amazingly disturbing and apropos description of a horrible affliction.

Speaking of Butt Piss.... I'm going to my first Nascar race this weekend. Actually I think its a Bush race. I have to admit that I'm not sure of the difference. It should be an interesting day, in that I've never been to one of these races, and people driving too fast in a circle has to be fun. Right. Right? Right!

Sunday, October 03, 2004

I love TV

I love TV. I must, or I wouldn't have gone through what I've just gone through. OK. So I needed to get a new TV, and a TV stand. I picked one up at Best Buy. I had Nicole help me get it home. I made the mistake of thinking that since she's been working out, that she could help me carry the thing. NOPE. We got it back to my place, and she tried to help me lift it out of the back of her Explorer, and as soon as we picked it up she said, "I think I'm going to drop this". So we put it back down on the bumper of her SUV and stood there looking at one another. She said, "Do you have a dolly?" I do, but one of the tires is flat, so it wouldn't be much help. So I just grabbed the box by the middle and picked it up and carried it into the garage. I set it down, and nearly had a stroke. The box weighed 175 pounds and is 3'X3'X4' so not only was it big, but it was awkward too.

At that point I took the new TV stand inside, and put it together. It's one of those particle board jobs that you can put together using a butter knife and the heel of a heavy shoe. Needles to say I drug my entire collection of tools into the living room to get the job done, but I'm dumb like that.

Once I'd gotten the stand together. I turned my attentions to getting the TV in from the garage. Rube Goldberg would have been proud. I used an insane number of levers slides and trips through the front door out into the garage to get the TV box into the living room. At that point I proceeded to try and unpack the thing from the box. This was harder than it sounds, since I'd like to save the box and the styrofoam packing in case I move in the near future. Well anyway, after some more insane wrangling I had the TV unpacked and sitting on the living room floor next to the TV stand. I done all of this without having to actually lift the TV again.

I sat there looking at the tv trying to figure out how I was going to lift it the 2 feet to get it on top of the cabinet. Finally I just went over and grabed it and lifted it up there. I don't think I've been that close to a hernia in my life. After about another hour of unhooking and rewiring components in the new cabinet I was ready to move the new TV into the place of the old tv. I picked up the old tv easily (it only ways about 50 pounds), and moved it to the kitchen counter. I then went to pick up the old tv cabinet. I'd gotten it about half way to the new location, when I heard a scraping noice, and the all of a sudden had an excrutiating pain in my groin and in my left big toe. I know, I know, just like you I thought' "Aaron, you're having a stroke and a hernia at the same time". Fortunately for me it was just a shelf from the cabinet falling out, ricocheting off of my gonads and comming to rest on my big toe. At that point I tried to level the cabinet up in my hands to avoid any further damage to my chances of reproducing. Just about at that moment one of the doors on the side of the cabinet swung open and out fell another shelf. Fortunately this one didn't have my gonads as it's primary target. It fell right into my knee, and then bounced onto my already injured toe. I was in so much pain that I started to get tunnel vision and had to put the thing down.

Eventually I got the cabinet to it's final resting place, and managed to not injure myself any more than I already had. I got a couple of bags of ice and sat down to nurse my wounds and appreciate my new tv. After about an hour with ice on my toe I felt good enough to get up and go to bed. Before I could do that I had to clean up the puddle of blood and condensation that had gathered where I was soaking my foot. Thank god for hardwood floors. I can't imagine cleaning up a bloody puddle from the carpet.

We'll It looks like I'm going to get to keep my toe and maybe even my toenail, and my gonads will probably make a full recovery.

Man, I must really love my TV.