Monday, September 05, 2005

Diarrhea in Las Vegas

I just got back from 24 hours in Las Vegas. This was my first real experience in Vegas. The only other time I'd been there was for work and I didn't get to do anything fun then. In short I really enjoy what I've seen, but don't really care to go back anytime soon.

The trip was in celebration of a friends betrothal and upcoming marriage. The original plan was to fly in Saturday afternoon and fly out Sunday afternoon. No hotel and no baggage. After some discussion it was decided that some sort of base of operations might be a good idea. It was probably a waste of money, but it was nice to have a place to shower on Sunday morning.

The trip didn't start very well. Southwest asked us to get off the plane due to an indicator light that was on and wasn't going off. We did so and had to wait for another plane. The whole time, I got to listen to complaints about the airline that I pushed everyone towards. They seemed to forget that the flight was cheaper and nonstop. Oh how quickly they forget.

The flight was a short 3 hours and the flight attendant was nice enough to keep bringing me scotch and soda. I'd probably had 4 by the time we landed. Hey get off my back. Going to Vegas sober is like going to see Phish not stoned. You can do it, but is it a good idea?

Eventually Southwest got us there. We then had to scurry over to the Luxor to make it to the first activity of the night.

When planning the trip it was decided that we should pick the first few activities carefully and then see where the night took us. It was also decided that we should keep it a little more tame than some Vegas bachelor parties. Hey. I don't know of any good spots to bury a dead hooker in the desert.

The first show we saw was the Blue Man Group. Beyond the fact that it was performance art and that no words are spoken, I really can't accurately describe it. I will say that it is a captivating show, that leaves you with the feeling that you've seen something significant, but without the ability to say what it was nor why it was important. If you ever have the chance to see them, I will say that the entertainment was worth the steep price of admission. Hey they also served drinks on the way in. I got scotch and soda #5 before going in.

Next, a couple of us grabbed a cab and ran to the hotel to check in and throw our bags down. We'd planned on doing this first, but the flight delay meant that we had to scramble to make it to the show on time. The hotel was a little further from where we were than we expected, so the cab ride took a while. We managed to get checked in and back to the Luxor in about 40 minutes.

The next thing on the itinerary was another show. This was one of the "Showgirl Reviews" that Vegas is known for. It didn't have the huge headdresses and weird feather covered costumes, but there were boobies everywhere. I've never seen so many bra's pop open by "accident" in a two hour time-frame. It was like there was a giant Joey field in effect, and no bra could hold out for more than half an act. There was one exception to this field, the lead singers bra stayed on the whole time. No mater how many times the dancers' tops flew open, hers stayed put. I was a little confused. I was later told, that Vegas shows follow a formula, singing, dancing, boobies and a comedian. It is customary for the singer to keep her top on while the dancers have no such luck. The comedian was funny, doing lots of physical comedy and impersonations. His impersonation of Tina Turner was spot on, if not marred by the fact that his dress was pretty short and kept riding up on him. Hey they also served drinks on the way in. I got scotch and soda #6 before going in.

By the time the review was over, we were starved. I mean ravenous. We grabbed dinner and drinks at the house of blues in the Luxor. Dinner was excellent, and the view was impressive as well. I can't tell you how many times, someone at our table said something like, "Oh my god, look at what she's wearing." or, "Oh my god, look at what she's not wearing." Vegas appears to be the place to go if you want to let it all hang out, literally. Hey they also served drinks there. I got scotch and soda #7 and #8 while there. Are you noticing the pattern?

After dinner, our Bachelor wanted to gamble, and he wanted to do it at one of the older casinos. We chose Binion's as the venue for our fun. For those not familiar with Binion's, it is the site of the World Series of Poker competition that's become famous with the popularity of Texas Hold'em. It think it was at this point in time that the scotch decided to kick in and not in a good way. I was cursed with a horrible case of Montezuma's Revenge. In this case, you could probably call it John Dewar's revenge. The constant drinking and lack of real food was about to wreak havoc with my gastrointestinal system. I think I may have been a little too tipsy at the time to make the logical leap from binge drinking to diarrhea, but with hindsight and a clear head my path to ruin is now obvious. Let me just say that Binion's is not a friendly place for a person trying not to crap his pants, but I was not about to let a little watery stool ruin my evening. Hell no. Soldier on young man, solder on. So there I am, having to get up and run to the restroom about every twenty to thirty minutes. It gives new meaning to the phrase shooting craps. Add to that the fact that restrooms at Binion's were only slightly better than the one featured in Train Spotting. Thank god for the miracle of the ass gasket. I probably used three or four of those at a time. In Binion's defense, the kind of degenerate gamblers that are at their establishment at 3:30 in the morning probably aren't super concerned about the cleanliness of the toilets. Eventually either my stomach settled to the point that I could walk around the casino without fear of finding the next rest stop, or my blood to scotch ratio leveled off to the point that my body no longer felt the need to eliminate it.

It was at about this time that the notion of a gentleman's club came up. I think it was sometime between 3 and 4 in the morning. We hopped in a cab and the driver took us to the Sapphire Lounge and restaurant. Let me start off by saying that these types of establishments are not my bag of chips. I'm not a prude, and I don't have a problem with someone dancing nude or nearly so. In fact I actually enjoy that part. The lap dance however is not really my thing. The thought of paying a woman to dry hump me for the duration of a song just doesn't appeal to me. In fact, the thought of paying a woman to pay attention to me at all doesn't interest me. This didn't keep me from having fun. These establishments are great people watching venues, plus they serve booze. I think scotch and sodas #12 and #13 showed up at the Sapphire. Unfortunately my case of the trots returned at this time as well. Multiple trips to the toilet in a strip club might be seen as a little suspicious. I think we left the Sapphire at about 7:30 in the morning, but not after about 5 trips to the john. Gotta love diarrhea.

Next we headed to the hotel, cleaned up and ate some breakfast. The rest of the day was spent wandering the strip. We got to see the dancing fountains in front of the Bellagio and we rode the roller coaster at New York New York. By now I've become tired of this story and there really isn't that much more to tell. Suffice it to say that we were up for nearly 40 hours total. It was loads of fun and I might even consider going back.