Monday, March 14, 2005

Forgive me father for I have sinned. It's been 3 hours since my last trip to Target.

I don't go to church, but if I did, it would be the "United Utilitarian Church of Stuff". If there is a hell for a Utilitarian, it would be a place where you wash your hands after using the restroom and in the bathroom there are only guest towels. You know the ones I'm talking about. Those towels that are too pretty to use. They are folded nicely, and it is obvious that the owner never meant them to see daily use. Every time I'm presented with this situation, I usually just dry my hands on my pants so that I don't mess up this towel that someone obviously spent a lot of time and effort to arrange. Unfortunately, I have to resist the urge to use the towel, then rub my arm pits all over it and throw it behind the toilet, just to be a spiteful asshole. I hate things that are just for show. They drive me insane. Yeah, yeah, "Short drive" blah blah blah. Back to my point, I am now one of those schmucks who owns towels that you aren't supposed to use. But I swear, I have a good excuse. In trying to sell my house, I have noticed and people have confirmed, that my house is patheticaly empty. No artwork, no nick nacks, no weird crap to dust. This is perfectly fine by me, but other people don't seem to like it. In order to sell the house, I've been forced to acquire many things I hate. The least of which was guest towels. I also bought candle holders, floral scented candles and red dyed mulch. None of these serve a purpose other that to demonstrate to prospective buyers that I'm not a complete weirdo who only owns a bed, a television and a couch. I swear, I'm going to use every one of the towels as soon as the house sells. I think that might make me feel better.

Speaking of making me feel better... Does anybody know any cute girls with low standards and poor judgment. Just kidding.... I think.

One other interesting thing of note. I now know way more about "Celiac Disease" than I ever wanted to know. For those who don't know, Celiac Disease is more commonly known as gluten intolerance. These people can't digest gluten. Today I met someone who had a very serious form of this disease. I can tell you that I am not jealous. He was so nervous about eating things with gluten in them that he would only eat bananas while he was with us. He said that his weekly diet consisted of 7 pounds of grass fed beef, olive oil, cucumbers, bananas and refined sugar. He would only eat the bananas while visiting us, and would normally only eat beef that he had prepared for fear of it being cooked on the same surface as something that contained gluten. He was such a persuasive speaker on the subject that he began to have me worried. (You know how if someone ever mentions lice, your scalp just starts to itch?) You start comparing your health with the possible symptoms of the disease, and sooner or later you're like, "Holy shit. I have this disease". I don't. I swear. I might be lactose intolerant though. I ate a whole bunch of cheese dip the other night, and I had the worst gas the next day. I would fart in my garage, and the neighbors were calling the cops because it smelled so bad and they though I had a dead body stashed in my basement. I don't. It's in the attic. But I digress. This individual certainly knew a lot about Celiac Disease. So much so that he'd convinced two other people that they might also have this problem, and that they should be checked. The worst part of it, was his description of visiting someone's house for three days. In order to sleep in the house, he had to put on rubber gloves, strip the sheets off the bed, cover the bed in plastic, don a Tyvek suit and sleep in the suit and under another sheet of plastic. Holy f'ing shit. It was so bad that he couldn't eat food that had eaten anything with gluten in it. There's no point to this story, other than to say holy f'ing shit I'm glad I don't have that problem. Now give me some cake

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