Monday, August 29, 2005

Can you make me laugh? No, but my farts smell like death and cheese.....

(For those of you who don't know me, you might think that I'm serious when I'm writing this. In some ways I am, but please realize that there's a little sarcasm here.)

I've made no secret of the fact that I've been looking around a few of the online singles sites. I've managed to get a couple of dates from these. Some of the dates have gone better than others, but all in all it has been a positive experience. One thing I've noticed is that there are a few patterns that I am seeing in the ads on these sites. Most of these can be spotted by looking for a key phrase or question. Here are a few of my favorites:

  • Are you the one? As soon as I see a profile like this I usually run away as fast as I can. Are you the one? This is such a patheticaly timid thing to say. Nothing says I'm a victim and I'm looking for the next guy to take advantage of me, "Are you the one?".

  • Are you man enough? To me this sounds more like she's asking, "Are you man enough to put up with all of my shit?" or "Are you man enough to clean up the mess that my life has become?" In either case I plead Nancy boy and run away.

  • Can you make me laugh? This one is slightly less annoying than the first two but I still find it annoying. At least give me something to work with. What makes you laugh? Limericks? Pratfalls? Give me something to work with. Whenever I see a profile like this I want to write back and say, "I may not be able to make you laugh, but I can probably make you cry. By the way, your butt is huge and you and can't spell. Are you laughing now? I know I am. I'm laughing my ass off at you." Does this make me a bad person?

  • Are you my prince? / Are you my knight in shining armor? / Are you Mr. Right? Do you really want to be saved? Does this approach actually work? To me, this is just another way of saying, "Are you man enough?" Once again, I'm a Nancy boy.

  • You must love me and my daughter/son. Way to set expectations really high. I don't even know if I like her yet, now I have to like her offspring as well. Isn't it assumed that if you have a child that someone you are dating has to at least be nice to your child?

  • Where are you? / Are you out there? / Still waiting. / I'm still here. This is as if she's saying, "Why the hell haven't you called me?" Is there something wrong with me? Do these pants make my butt look big?

  • Friends first Yes, I know, you aren't a slut, but I am, so you probably aren't my type.

  • Do you know how to treat a lady? This is more or less asking, "Are you an asshole?" When you put it that way, the answer is probably yes. I can be an asshole. Now shut up and make my dinner. Tell that little brat of yours to get me a beer.

  • Pictures of the pet This is another wonderfully annoying thing that seems to pop up in profiles quite often. When I see a pet's picture in a profile, I'm thinking, "When the ice age comes and there is a food shortage, I'm eating the Doberman first and then I'll eat the kittens. That way I don't have to fight the Doberman for food." Yeah, I know that I will have to get along with her pets as much as her kids, but let's work up to that.

  • Hidden treasure. If you'll only look past the self esteem and hygiene issues you will surely find he hidden treasure.

Can you tell I've been spending too much time looking at these profiles? Sadly, most of them are people I have very little interest in meeting. I'm sure that my profiles on these sites is just as pathetic as the next one, but it makes me feel better if I can make fun of other people.

On a completely unrelated note, for the last week, I've had the worst flatulence I've ever had in my life. For those of you who know me well, you know that's saying something. It got so bad that I googled for the terms "extreme flatulence" trying to figure out if I need to see an ass doctor. According the font of all knowledge (the internet) the normal cause of flatulence is diet. The most common dietary causes of flatulence are, milk products, high fiber foods, beans, carbonated beverages, cabbage and foods made with fructose. I guess that means that my horrific and frequent farts can be explained by my diet consisting of granola and milk for breakfast (the granola is made with fructose) Chipotle for lunch and or dinner and about 6 - 8 cans of diet soda a day. I'm not sure if I should change my diet or my definition of the acceptable amount of gas one person has.

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